this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
