I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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