There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
