fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
