They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize