I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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