it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
