Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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