you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
