I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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