This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
