Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
