You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
