Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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