so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
