just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
