If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
