I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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