She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
