i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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