dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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