Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
