shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My hand turned me down
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
