I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
