Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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