i need an iv and a liver transplant
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He? As in you personified your dick?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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