So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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