just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize