I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
