I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
