I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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