sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
