Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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