Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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