man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
