wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
