I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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