i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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