I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
