the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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