those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
