the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
