After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
