The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
