my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
