so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
