i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
