I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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