paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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