I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
