I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
