I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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