so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
