we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
