rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
