i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
