I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
