I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
