pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
