do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My penis needs a shock collar
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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