Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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