My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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