A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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